breakaleginhalf | dataBURST: IC Inbox

[Seeing Astral's username pop up in his notifs (and somehow Gil's not surprised that he doesn't think of something more original than his own name) gets a fresh wave of irritation out of Gil, and he's prepared to simply delete it or respond with something trite and spiteful in response.

Then he actually reads it.]

Question, first. Did you come here with empathy powers or did you get them from the arcade here too?

But no, I do actually know what you're talking about, funnily enough. And knowing Coda, I can assume why they're not telling you, and it's not actually because you're a kid.

(I mean, probably not. It could be, they're very protective, but that's my general assumption.)

It's not my place to tell you about how they came to feel like that, that's incredibly personal for them, but I'm okay with saying that that's just, like. Self loathing.

["Just".]

They haven't told me, anyway.

[He deliberates on the next part so long that the typing bubble will be floating there for nearly a full minute on Astral's end.]

I'm a changeling too. That's why I look the way I do.

From the arcade? I thought it were only possible to win trinkets or toys. Regardless, my power is a part of me, and I've had it as long as I can remember.

Are you implying that you've gained such a power from the arcade? [It would make the conversation easier...]

I see. I did not know that changelings could be so unique. I'll remember that.

What do you mean by "self-loathing?" What is that? Could you help them not self-loathe? You are their friend, and surely you have similar experiences as a changeling.

Edited (what did i typo) 2021-05-17 07:05 (UTC)

It is if you win one of the grand prizes. I got touch empathy, I can only feel them when I'm actively in contact with someone.

[Ignoring that he can sense them anyway as a Changeling...

He already knew Astral was naive, or he ~~probably~~ would have been more tactful before, so Gil can buy that he might not know what self loathing is.]

Self loathing is when you hate yourself for some reason. They're not always real or legitimate reason, but the hate's still there. It doesn't go away because of other people, even friends, you have to actively start liking yourself. And a lot of changelings don't, or can't.

My experience as a changeling is extremely different to Coda's. I can't relate to most of their specific experiences at all, definitely not in a way to be able to help them.

Edited (I did the thing too dangit) 2021-05-17 07:15 (UTC)

Hate? What is hate? Why does it hurt? Why would anyone want to feel that way regardless of any reason? Coda can't like themself? They don't want to like themself?

I don't understand.

Friendship is meant to help you feel better and less lonely.

I can't understand.

I don't want Coda to feel that way.

oh my god

Okay so

uh

[Christ, where do you even begin.]

Hate is...

When a bad person hurts someone you care about, either on purpose or through malicious ignorance
When someone offends you on purpose, or without apologising
When someone takes an item you desperately wanted
When you're angry and want to hurt someone
It's annoyed times a hundred
It's full of adrenaline when it's fresh, and bitter in the back of your throat and cold in your stomach when it's old.

[It's fucking poetry apparently.]

And when all of that's focused on yourself, it intensifies. Because you're the bastard that hurt the people you care about. That broke the rules and ruined things for everyone, so you know they feel it too, aimed back at you again and it just. Spirals. It gets bigger over time and it doesn't go away and no one else can MAKE it.

Edited 2021-05-17 07:46 (UTC)

You're saying it's hopeless.

Edited (kicks out an extra return) 2021-05-17 09:06 (UTC)

It's not hopeless. It's just not easy.

I just wanna make sure you don't have false hope about being able to "fix" them.

Coda isn't broken.

Correct. But self loathing can make you think that all people want you for is to fix you. It's complicated.

Is it okay if I ask you something too?

Yes, that's fine. It is only fair.

How do you control the empathy stuff? I haven't really get the hang of it yet, I could use some advice.

That is not the question I expected.

I suggest practicing your awareness of where your heart ends and others' begin. If you know the intricacies of your own heart and how you feel, it's much easier to pick them through the undercurrent of what isn't. Your experiences influence your emotions, and everyone experiences life differently.

Admittedly, I'm uncertain how it works for someone born with emotions. I was created with an impartial perspective, and was fortunate enough to meet someone who taught me how to feel.

[...well, time to be candid. It was the only way to get usable replies out of this.]

It's really hard not to be, like. Completely overwhelmed by them, to be honest. Feeling other peoples' emotions makes your body think it's feeling them too, and you react the same even when you know better. If someone's panicking, it's hard to breathe, even if I'm not in danger. If someone's sad I'll cry. It's impossible for me to be impartial or rational.

And it happens literally every time I touch someone - the how doesn't matter, it's just skin contact. And coming into summer, completely covering myself up in clothing isn't an option.

It's activated through touch? That is fascinating. Perhaps an adaption from the arcade well aware that you weren't born to possess such an ability?

[There's a moment before there's another response.]

If you show me how to feel hatred so I may better understand Coda, I'm more than willing to help you practice. I'm able to clear my heart if I'm not feeling anything too strongly. Theoretically, if you were to touch me in such a state, you'd feel nothing but yourself.

Edited 2021-05-18 04:53 (UTC)

Yeah, that seems about right.

I can clear people's minds too, actually, I kind of found it by accident. But I can turn off whatever people are feeling for as long as I'm touching them still. Is that, like. A normal empathy thing??

But yeah, I'd be happy to teach you hate, for all of that. [That was going to be. Wild.]

I'm familiar with empathy being used for emotional manipulation. However, it isn't used to turn emotions 'off,' but rather increase what is already present to overwhelm someone and make them easier to control.

It's not something I can do.

I mean, if I can do one I can probably do the other, right? It's manipulation either way. And then practising that to make you feel hate works out for both of us.

Yes.

Thank you.

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