breakaleginhalf | dataBURST: IC Inbox

He did it because I fucked up, though. If I hadn't fucked up, he'd be alive still.

[They just...cozy up with both the men, their aura of cold a little broader and stronger than usual, felt from a few inches away rather than just when one holds their hand.]

[Luckily Gil's a goddamn radiator, especially with blankets around him, so he's doing a pretty admirable job of countering that cold aura just by existing. Seems almost fitting.]

He probably will be by now again, anyway. And when he realises that it was a fucking waste of time, he'll probably want to apologise.

[He knows himself too well to know he'd just. Leave someone who was so kind to him in the lurch like that.]

[ Artemis is chilled down one side, where he's touching Coda's knee, and impossibly warm where his shoulder's shoved up against Gil's. He holds himself carefully not to shiver as he tries to take in just how fractally fucked up that sentence was. ]

Mm. We talked about that, remember?

[ About how suicide wasn't a means of escape from anything around here. ]

I tried to tell him that. I did try.

I don't even know what I'll do with that apology, if it comes.

[They take their glasses off, setting them down on the coffee table--or maybe the arm of the couch if it's not within reach.]

[His ears press back at an angle best described as 'stressed': slightly lower than his angry poses, not as flat to his head as 'sad'. Artemis's comment makes him feel a little called out even if it's not aimed at him.]

I... [He just sighs, quietly, not sure how to help when this is, more or less, indirectly as it is, his fault. So he rests his chin on Coda's head again, and the rumble of his voice will thrum through the back of her head.] Then you did your best. Some people are just stubborn. You know you don't have to forgive him for putting you through that.

[ Artemis watches Gil sideways for a moment, obviously curious but unwilling to interrupt whatever this is to ask. Later, maybe, when everything isn't quite so fraught.

For now he waits until Coda's done relocating their glasses and catches their hand, drawing it into his own for now. He hums in agreement with Gil, but he's focused on running that hand between his own, trying to warm it up. ]

[It is, as usual, nearly impossible to warm their hand up. But they appreciate the contact.]

I don't think it matters in the end if I forgive him or not. He's right, he'll disappear in the end, and it won't count for anything.

[Gil's jaw shifts slightly against Coda's head as he licks his teeth self-consciously. Fuck Bugsy for being right about the Beast giving him the mental fortitude to survive Arcadia; he wouldn't have thought that he'd suffer such a bad existential crisis as a human, looking back.]

...shit.

- It will.

[ Artemis is saying it immediately, over-top Gil, words torn out of him almost unwillingly. His tone's even, low, and his eyes are focused on Coda's shoulder rather than either of their faces. ]

The way you treat him, the way he treats you, the choices he makes and the ones you do - it all matters, and it still will when they're gone, even if the only thing left is the way you feel.

[The hand that Artemis is holding grips his back tightly, because hearing that from him...well, that means this all means something. That it counts. They hear what he's not putting into words.

Even if they can't work up their own anger, that there's an actual real reason to feel that they can hold onto, that's priceless.]

Maybe you're right.

[And that's another grateful look sent to Artemis, even if this one has a little pity mixed in.

So instead of words, he just gives Coda another gentle squeeze, wrapping both furry arms around their chest completely and shifting his head to their shoulder again. Gil doesn't purr but there's a soft rumbling in his chest, so deep that even Artemis can feel him thrumming.]

[ Artemis pointedly dodges meeting Gil's eyes, this time; he feels too exposed by it. But it seems to have worked, at least a little, and so there's relief poured over anything else he's feeling. He squeezes Coda's hand back. ]

I'm right.

[ His usual self-aggrandizing is notably absent from that. ]

Gil's right. And you get to feel however the hell you want.

I'm bad at feeling. You know this. You both know this.

[Oh, that's only half-true at best. They're an expert at guild and shame and misery. They're almost capable of contentment, sometimes. But anger? Joy? Desire? Those all get clogged up in the pipes.]

[Gil's tongue flicks out to leave a wet, sloppy and entirely unromantic trail of saliva up Coda's neck before he pulls his face away from his mess.]

I dunno, man, you taste pretty guilty to me. That's an emotion.

[ Artemis stares at the two of them in disbelief and then elbows Gil slightly in the ribs. Just because it's true... ]

Okay, gross, first of all... But I think what Gil is trying to say is you're not bad at feeling it. Sometimes you kinda suck at knowing how to deal with it.

[Coda lets out a high-pitched Microsoft 'eep' sound effect when licked.]

And...you're right about how I function with regard to guilt, perhaps. But there's some parts of the emotional spectrum I'm pretty colorblind to.

[...okay that's enough, Gil's gonna use the blanket to wipe their neck now.]

Well yeah, everyone's got a few emotions they don't have a good relationship with. It wouldn't be very Winter of you otherwise, and I could easily pass for Summer. [His tone suggests he doesn't think it's a good thing.] It's just one of those things we gotta keep working on. And you've got us to help. And other people, too.

[ ~~That better have been Gil's blanket.~~

Artemis still has only the vaguest idea what the business with the seasons is, but he's nodding along supportively anyway - though he's not sure how the hell he ended up as someone anyone could go to for emotional help. Watching the two of them, though, he thinks maybe it's worth it. ]

Speaking of passing for Summer...I still really wonder how there's any universe where a version of me ended up there.

[This isn't really a subject change. Coda's aware that Summer's purview is their biggest area of emotional constipation.]

[Gil makes an 'oof' face as he turns his gaze away.]

Maybe they decided using their mixed feelings as fuel for the fire was a better use of their energy. Make it everyone else's problem.

Infinite... something on infinite typewriters... [ Artemis shrugs his free shoulder. He's certainly still coping with the fact that there's a version of himself out there that ended up as a moonshine-selling hobo. The man's got a beard. ] Would that even be you anymore?

That's a really fun question, isn't it? What makes any of us, us? At what point is someone not-me?

[Coda sighs dramatically.]

There's a human version of me here, too. Using my birth name, ignorant of how her life could have turned out instead. Speaking of, Gil, I now know the name you were born to.

[Well that makes one ear twitch forward, and he looks at Coda in surprise.]

...did I not tell you that? Gil Ryanson's my real name, I've never used another one.

Bold of you to be open about that fact. Bold choice overall. It's dangerous, letting people know that.

...though I suppose potentially anyone might know my birth name, at this point.

[They seem to tense a little at the idea.]

[And he snorts loudly.]

I'm not threatened by Artemis knowing my name is my True Name. No offence, mate.

[And he gives Artemis a winning smile. Without the Mask it's more full of fangs than ever.]

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