breakaleginhalf | dataBURST: IC Inbox

[ Artemis stands from his bed at the knock and pads over toward the door, prepared to open it before the handle starts moving. Gil, then, but why would he be knocking -? Artemis meets his eyes, confused, and then his gaze drops - ]

What happened?

[ He keeps the question to a quiet, fierce whisper. ]

[Even quiet as it is, Coda flinches. They lift their head, seeing Artemis, and tense.]

Sorry.

[The apology is automatic, reflexive, what they do when they don't know what else to say.]

[Gil's ears flick back a little, but the angle it puts them on makes it hard to tell if it's admonishment or irritation. His hoof hitting the door is a little firm, though, as he goes to sit on the couch with Coda in his lap. ]

Someone killed themselves. Coda's taking it... a little personally.

[ Artemis shrinks back from both that apology and that look. His eyes dart between the two of them for a moment as he runs his hand through his hair, trying to decide what he can actually do about this situation. Without a word in response he turns back toward the bedroom and starts pulling covers off both their beds. ]

[Coda's voice is low and coated with static when they murmur at Gil.]

I think, given the circumstances, most people would take that personally.

Not saying you're wrong, just saying you're feeling it. [His voice is quiet too, but the rasp prevents him from going lower than a mutter, so Artemis can still hear him pretty clearly.] Amazingly, Coda, your feelings are valid too.

[ Artemis didn't even catch what Coda had said, but he's back with the duvets off both beds now and not really asking before he starts tucking them around the two of them with quick, careful hands. He's using the excuse to study them, because it's difficult to tell if Coda's just drained or hitting the point of shock the way they had in the tunnels. ]

He's not wrong.

[It seems closer to the latter, the way they'd shut down mentally and emotionally and just failed to function when things got to a certain point.

But they have enough awareness and intent to quietly reach out and tug at Artemis's sleeve. You know, because maybe he'd be nice to have in the nest, too.]

Valid is meaningless.

[Gil does shoot Artemis a thankful look as he gets rugged up, his ears pricking back up a little. Artemis is good, despite his bullshit persona.]

So is most of everything we do here. Cognito ergo bullshit. It... shit, it sucks that that's something he decided was worth doing, but that's not a reflection on... on you as a fucking person.

[ For once he doesn't hesitate to come when pulled, though he is careful to position himself so that he's not jostling the couch too much as he curls up at Gil's side, facing Coda, and rests a grounding hand on their knee. ]

Meaning's whatever you make it. For him that was what he felt like he had to do. For you, it doesn't have to be guilt.

He did it because I fucked up, though. If I hadn't fucked up, he'd be alive still.

[They just...cozy up with both the men, their aura of cold a little broader and stronger than usual, felt from a few inches away rather than just when one holds their hand.]

[Luckily Gil's a goddamn radiator, especially with blankets around him, so he's doing a pretty admirable job of countering that cold aura just by existing. Seems almost fitting.]

He probably will be by now again, anyway. And when he realises that it was a fucking waste of time, he'll probably want to apologise.

[He knows himself too well to know he'd just. Leave someone who was so kind to him in the lurch like that.]

[ Artemis is chilled down one side, where he's touching Coda's knee, and impossibly warm where his shoulder's shoved up against Gil's. He holds himself carefully not to shiver as he tries to take in just how fractally fucked up that sentence was. ]

Mm. We talked about that, remember?

[ About how suicide wasn't a means of escape from anything around here. ]

I tried to tell him that. I did try.

I don't even know what I'll do with that apology, if it comes.

[They take their glasses off, setting them down on the coffee table--or maybe the arm of the couch if it's not within reach.]

[His ears press back at an angle best described as 'stressed': slightly lower than his angry poses, not as flat to his head as 'sad'. Artemis's comment makes him feel a little called out even if it's not aimed at him.]

I... [He just sighs, quietly, not sure how to help when this is, more or less, indirectly as it is, his fault. So he rests his chin on Coda's head again, and the rumble of his voice will thrum through the back of her head.] Then you did your best. Some people are just stubborn. You know you don't have to forgive him for putting you through that.

[ Artemis watches Gil sideways for a moment, obviously curious but unwilling to interrupt whatever this is to ask. Later, maybe, when everything isn't quite so fraught.

For now he waits until Coda's done relocating their glasses and catches their hand, drawing it into his own for now. He hums in agreement with Gil, but he's focused on running that hand between his own, trying to warm it up. ]

[It is, as usual, nearly impossible to warm their hand up. But they appreciate the contact.]

I don't think it matters in the end if I forgive him or not. He's right, he'll disappear in the end, and it won't count for anything.

[Gil's jaw shifts slightly against Coda's head as he licks his teeth self-consciously. Fuck Bugsy for being right about the Beast giving him the mental fortitude to survive Arcadia; he wouldn't have thought that he'd suffer such a bad existential crisis as a human, looking back.]

...shit.

- It will.

[ Artemis is saying it immediately, over-top Gil, words torn out of him almost unwillingly. His tone's even, low, and his eyes are focused on Coda's shoulder rather than either of their faces. ]

The way you treat him, the way he treats you, the choices he makes and the ones you do - it all matters, and it still will when they're gone, even if the only thing left is the way you feel.

[The hand that Artemis is holding grips his back tightly, because hearing that from him...well, that means this all means something. That it counts. They hear what he's not putting into words.

Even if they can't work up their own anger, that there's an actual real reason to feel that they can hold onto, that's priceless.]

Maybe you're right.

[And that's another grateful look sent to Artemis, even if this one has a little pity mixed in.

So instead of words, he just gives Coda another gentle squeeze, wrapping both furry arms around their chest completely and shifting his head to their shoulder again. Gil doesn't purr but there's a soft rumbling in his chest, so deep that even Artemis can feel him thrumming.]

[ Artemis pointedly dodges meeting Gil's eyes, this time; he feels too exposed by it. But it seems to have worked, at least a little, and so there's relief poured over anything else he's feeling. He squeezes Coda's hand back. ]

I'm right.

[ His usual self-aggrandizing is notably absent from that. ]

Gil's right. And you get to feel however the hell you want.

I'm bad at feeling. You know this. You both know this.

[Oh, that's only half-true at best. They're an expert at guild and shame and misery. They're almost capable of contentment, sometimes. But anger? Joy? Desire? Those all get clogged up in the pipes.]

[Gil's tongue flicks out to leave a wet, sloppy and entirely unromantic trail of saliva up Coda's neck before he pulls his face away from his mess.]

I dunno, man, you taste pretty guilty to me. That's an emotion.

[ Artemis stares at the two of them in disbelief and then elbows Gil slightly in the ribs. Just because it's true... ]

Okay, gross, first of all... But I think what Gil is trying to say is you're not bad at feeling it. Sometimes you kinda suck at knowing how to deal with it.

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CW: further suicide discussion hereon

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